Category Archives: Humor

Political Correctness

Monkey

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page:

I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but we must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60s alive. Gone. It’s offensive to white folk. The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No!

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among.Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children.
The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits. The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. The Cincinnati Reds promote communism. The Milwaukee Brewers. Well, that goes without saying.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers.” (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name, I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent the Washington community, paying tribute to the dickheads in government.

 

Golfers

Old Golfers

For those who love Golf

Two 60 something-year-old men had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.

One day Leonard said, “Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s golf there.”

Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, “Leonard, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Leonard!”

“Who is it?” asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Leonard — it’s me, Frank.”

“You’re not Frank. Frank just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Frank,” insisted the voice.

“Frank! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Frank. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Leonard.

“The good news,” Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, “is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf al l we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.”Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

“That’s fantastic,” said Leonard. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in my foursome this Saturday.”

 

Money & Debt

Monkey

Economic Recovery
How the world is working

It is a slow day in the small Minnesota town of Marshall , and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

Irish Humor

Irish Im Op

You have to love Irish humor

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk shouts,
“Yes, I am.

Exam – You will be Suprised

Thinker3

Exam
You only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

Remind Us Of The Way We Word

Wordsmith

For some of the older boomers this will bring back fond memories
By: Richard Lederer (A remarkable local Linguist)

About a month ago in this space, I illuminated old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included don’t touch that dial, carbon copy, you sound like a broken record and hung out to dry. A bevy of readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige:

Bon Mots

Gowd Icon3

Some clever comments by Mark Twain

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

“Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.”

“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

 

Aphorism – One Of The Best

Thinker3

THE MAGIC BANK ACCOUNT – THE AUTHOR IS NOT KNOWN. IT WAS FOUND IN THE BILLFOLD OF COACH PAUL BEAR BRYANT, ALABAMA, AFTER HE DIED IN 1982.

The Magic Bank Account

Teacher – Kids

Teacher Op

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

Julie Andrews – Sums Up Aging

Julie A2

Julie Andrews Turning 79!

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan ‘s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things’ from the legendary movie ‘Sound Of Music’. Here are the lyrics she used:

Doctors Office

Doctors OfficeR

From my email..

I am sure most of you will appreciate this…

Kevin had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here’s what happened to Kevin:

Growing Old – Things That Happen

Monkey

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then,just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked

‘NO REFILLS’..”

Profundities

Thinker3

If you notice who said these things during their lifetimes, we can see that without a doubt, HISTORY IS REPEATING ITSELF….again, and again, and again…..

PROFUNDITIES

Conversation ! !

Typical husband…

We had an outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV,
DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn’t go fishing. I went into the kitchen
to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I
talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person!

 

Typical Management

Certainly sums up managementMonkey

Weather Forecasting

Cold Winter Ahead

Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Irish Humor – Father O’Malley

Irish Im Op

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The Chicken Gun

Thinker3Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

A Skill Test

Thinker3

Dementia Quiz

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.

They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.

To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately. Do this in your head, do not use pencil and paper, as this will take too long and defeat the
purpose of the Quiz.

Humor – Southern

Monkey

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought maybe you were bringing her back.

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.